Jr. High Conversations

Yes, Young Mothers, you must read...but the conversation is not for the faint of heart....

Let me first preface by saying conversations with me are pretty much an open door for my children...with the exception of my non-talking teen and in his case I have to pull teeth to get information, which I do....the others tell me anything from school stuff, to what friends they like or don't, to questions of any nature....I am pretty much like a textbook and comfortable...I think the key is pretending like the conversation is not shocking you when inside you are screaming, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" By the way, this is simply not something my husband can do. He blushes, he mumbles, he looks the other way avoiding all eye contact and never does answer the question...which is why they come to me.
So, young mothers, be prepared...I'll give you some examples from last year when both boys were in jr. high...we had the "oral sex" talk... of course it was brought up at the most opportune time. All of our family was in the car when Parker asked what was a blow job because a friend had been suspended for having one in one of the gyms. Bryce didn't ask but looked up in interest. (Try to imagine Dave's face at this point.) So, with the girls in the very back seat and the speakers loud back there and muted in the front...we discussed. By the end, I also had to throw in my spin on girls who offer their services in that field...and ended with would they want to kiss any girl who put those body parts of other boys in their mouths? At this point, I think Dave was about to faint.
We have also had the lesson on douches...as in "what is a douchebag because they call people that at school?" Again, go with the flow, speak clearly and act as if you are explaining how one would tie their shoe.
This morning, it was just me and Parker when he said he does not like a particular P.E. coach...I don't like him either and since Parker no longer has him, I somewhat validated his feelings...and then Parker adds, "yeah, everyone calls him Uni-Ball."
Me: "huh?" In my head, I am thinking, "surely he did not mean where my brain is going...he is much too calm and comfortable in this conversation with me....he must mean Uni-Brow and I am hearing things."
Parker: They call Mr. _____ Uni-Ball.
Me: Why would they do that? (Again, surely thinking it must be that he is possessive of his basketballs?)
Parker: Because he only has one ball, everyone at school knows this.
Me: Parker, I am sure this is not true.
Parker: Yes, it is...apparently he was climbing a flag pole, slid down and one of his balls went right into his body and stayed there. (Again, I apologize to the faint of heart, but I am just giving some preparedness to the young mothers out there.)
Me: Parker, that would not happen....besides the testes make fertility possible, he most likely would not have children and we both know he does.
Parker: yeah, that's why he only has girls...because the ball that produces boys is gone.
( I must add this is said with extreme sensibility and matter-of-factly.)
Me: no longer able to let the ridiculousness continue...PARKER! ALL JR. HIGH KIDS ARE COMPLETELY LAME AND RETARDED!! (Yes, I know...highly offensive, politically incorrect wording) THIS IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE AND IS SO ABSURD I CANNOT DISCUSS IT.
Parker: Mom, everyone knows it's true, in fact there are pictures illustrating it all over the bleachers. Gotta go, I am late...will you wash my soccer shirt today?


( I am trying to think of how stupid I was in jr. high...but I certainly could not have been that stupid...)